Buttsex gone awry

Me so solly

2006-03-08T21:11:00.000-08:00

Why is it when my cousin is doing a report on Japanese Samurai and I see the poster board she has made out with a picture of a warrior in full battle attire on it and I make a "Chink in the armor" joke in front of the whole family, I'm the bad guy?

That was funny shit, lay off me.

When did I become Dennis Miller?

2006-02-10T10:59:00.000-08:00

Last night we got a few inches of snow so like always I went out and shoveled it when I damn well felt like it. On some sick level I actually enjoy shoveling the walk so I never really rush through it, I usually take my time and loaf about while enjoying the cool air. This morning I wish I had rushed through it because now I'm doubting my sense of humor.

I had just finished the driveway and was working on the sidewalk when the cute (understatement, she's hot. I haven't seen her since she was 17, she grew up, a lot. Anyways.........) little neighbor girl came out.

girl- "Hey Matt! Haven't seen you in a while"
me- "Hi Erin, how are you doing?"
girl- "I'm doing okay, just trying to stay busy. What are you doing?"
me- "Um, shoveling walk"
girl- "Well, It was nice seeing you. I've got to go to the Verizon store to have them fix my cell phone"
me- "What's wrong with it?"
girl- "The whole right side of the keypad isn't working. I don't know what happened"
me- "Maybe it's Alexander Graham Bell's palsy"

She just stared at me blankly for a few seconds.

girl- "wha-"
(interrupting)
me- "nevermind"

My humor is completely unappreciated. I know she's not the smartest girl around but she's not the dumbest either. I mean come on, that was a awesome fucking joke (seriously, I'm legitimately proud of it). Now I'm doubting myself. It's been happening a lot lately, I'll make a joke that just flies over someone's head. Making people laugh is one of the only things I've always been fairly good at but it seems like people are clicking with my jokes and comments less frequently. Am I too highbrow? Do I really need to dumb things down to get laughs from people? This disturbs me.

If you didn't get that joke you suck and I hate you.

Yeah I know I haven't posted in a while, save it.

....I got them all cut

2005-12-14T20:20:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow night is my company's Christmas party at a very nice country club so today I decided that I was going to do my best to look half-way respectable for the event and get a haircut.

I have this little theory that the hotter the girl is that is cutting your hair, the worse it's going to turn out, and the uglier they are, the better you're going to like your trim. I usually stand right by that theory so understandably I was pretty causious when I walked into great clips and all three of the girls in there were fairly good looking. If I were smart I would have turned right around and saved myself $15, a sub-par haircut, and most importantly a headache. Of course I didn't follow my instincts and instead let one of the girls usher me into her chair.

Now, I don't particularly like getting my hair cut, mainly because it fucks with my back since I'm tall and I always have to slouch in the chair because I always get midgets cutting my hair, okay, maybe just that one mexican girl was a midget but all the others were still pretty short. While severe spinal cord injuries are bad enough, it can always be worse, and it was.

While I was getting my haircut the two other girls were decorating some other girl's station for her birthday tomorrow. That normally would be all fine and dandy but these two girls were just flat out retarded. They had the combined intellect of a bagel, no cream cheese, just the bagel. It was sad really, I mean, I don't know how hard the concept of scotch tape is, but these two monkeys just didn't get it. Were they Amish up until last Sunday? I don't know, but it was just too captivating to watch to actually pay attention to the matter at hand, my haircut. While I was gawking at the special ed class in the mirror, the stylist(butcher, carver, whatever) had free reign on my head. Needless to say, when I looked back to myself, I wasn't pleased.

Me- Yeah, okay, I think that's enough off the top.
Her- Okay, let me level it off.
Me- No. That's enough.
Her- It's going to be all crooked if you leave it that way.
Me- You already made me look like a chemo patient, it's enough.
Her- Fine

She took out the trimmer, finished me up and blew me down with the hair dryer. Finally. Just as I was standing up one of the girls ran towards the back.

Girl 1- Where are you going?
Girl 2- I'm going to find some scissors.
Me- You've got to be shitting me.

My head almost exploded right there on the spot. I mean, this was fucking GreatClips and she had to go looking for a pair of scissors? I couldn't take it anymore, I had to get out of there. I handed the girl that cut my hair my credit card only to hear from one of the other girls: "Oh no, I spilled the confetti all over her station". I guess they had just planned on leaving the confetti in the little bottle and just setting it on her station for her to distribute it herself in the manner she saw fit or something.

If I could have tipped negative dollars I would have. I hate that place, I'm never going back. I think I'm going to buy me a flow-bee and do it myself from now on.

My brain took the night off

2005-10-02T19:35:00.000-07:00

In the past 24 hours I've done more shit I shouldn't have done than I have in the past year. To be completely honest, I really am suprised that I'm not dead or in prison right now, last night was that intense. If I thought anything was a bad idea last night, I didn't acknowledge it.

Think about everything that you're not supposed to do when you're under the influence alcohol and chances are I did it when I was out last night.
Drive motor vehicles? Check.
Fight people that are bigger than you and out number you? Check.
Opperate heavy machinery? Check.
Play with fire? Check.
Demolish buildings? Check.
Use firearms? Check.
Trust your friends that are intoxicated and doing the same things? Big check.

Bad decisions were made but fun was definitely had.

I work with a couple of guys that I have recently begun to hang out with. Ricky, Mike, and Cooper (yeah, I know, they sound like frat boy names or something but these guys are really like 32). They're not my normal type of friends but they're really good at getting me to do stuff I'm usually smart enough not to do, plus, they're all funnier than shit so it's okay.

It was the standard work day at a small company yesterday so we were all just hanging out bullshitting and occasionally helping customers when someone got the brilliant idea to shut that bastard down early and go out for drinks. Sweet, that's when I shine.

Within an hour we had closed down and were on our way to a local country bar because this is Colorado and there's a fucking bunch of them in our area. It was great, good music, cheap booze and a bunch of fake ass wannabe cowboys to fuck with, which we're really good at.

It didn't take long before we had nosed our way into a conversation with a group of girls who were with their pretend cowboy boyfriends who all actually live in highlands ranch (if you live in Colorado you know what kind of lives these guys actually have and it ain't on a ranch). These guys didn't like us right off the bat, maybe because we were making fun of them infront of their girlfriends with comments like:
"Hey Jethro, what do you do for work?"
"My name is Doug, and I work at a bank"
"Man, that's hardcore. Did you win that buckle for having a correct drawer count for a month straight?"

and maybe they didn't like us because we were trying to hit on their women just to piss them off.

Finally I think they had enough because one of the guys grabbed his girlfriend's hand and said, "come on guys, let's go" while Coop was talking to her.

Coop without missing a beat said "Hey Buffalo Bill, sit down and shut the fuck up for a minute, I'm trying to talk your girlfriend here into letting me eat her pussy". It might not have been the smartest thing to say when their group out-numbers ours by three but Goddamn that was funny.

For some unknown reason Buffalo Bill took exception to that and dove over the table and tackled Coop. It didn't take long for two more of his friends to join in pounding on him. Even though he probably deserved it, we had to come to the aid of our buddy and got the pseudo-buckaroos off of him. They all tried to gang up on us but we were quick to react and with some whiskey in our systems we took down the five of them that were in our faces to the floor, poured what was left of their drinks on them, grabbed their keys off the table, and ran out of that damn place with the other two guys in chase seriously threatening our lives. Once outside Ricky threw their keys on top of the building as we were running to the truck hoping that they all came together (which I realize is dumb now because between them and their girlfriends there were 11 of them and I seriously doubt they rode in a YMCA van or something on the way to the bar) in the same vehicle and wouldn't be able to come after us because there were more of them than there were us and we didn't feel like getting our asses beat. We hopped into the truck and cruised off deciding that it would probably be a good idea if we didn't go to anymore bars that night.

Matt's almost died that night tally: 1

Instead we decided it would be fun if we went to Mike's property to drink and party. If I had known what kind of shit we were going to do when we got there I probably would have called it a night and just gone home. The guy has almost ten acres in Evergreen so I thought it would be a good idea to drink there because we could do our thing without offending anyone and having any police come knocking to shut us down. It turns out when you have free reign on 10 acres and a lot of toys, you can get into waaaaay more shit.

Things started off as planned with us drinking on his deck but we get bored easily so that quickly changed.

Me: "We need a fire"
Mike: "I don't have any wood or matches."
Ricky: "What the hell are you talking about? We can just take the wood off the barn"
Me: "That's a good ass idea if I've ever heard one."

Mike lived in a old farm house and his property had a little old barn that he was going to be ripping down in the next couple weeks so this plan made perfect sense. Rather than cutting down a tree just to keep us warm we'll use wood we already have access too, we ought to be environmentalists.

Being the rocket scientists we are we quickly thought up the easiest way of bringing that barn down. We chained up his old Scout II to one of the beams in the attempt to rip big hunks of wood off the fucker. With the chains in place and the scout's bumper right next to the beam I hopped in and peeled off tearing through that four speed. Just about when I was going to shift into 3rd all the slack in the 100+ feet of chain was taken up and the scout was jerked to a sudden stop. Of course I wasn't wearing the lap belt in that thing while driving so my chest slammed into the steering wheel with my whole body weight behind it. I think I collapsed a lung. If you haven't had the wind knocked out of you recently I suggest you order it, it's delicious. I thought I was going to die. I'm never not going to wear my seatbelt again.

Matt's almost died that night tally: 2

Mike decied to give the same plan a go but he ended up snapping the chain so we had to improvise. This meant using the trackhoe he had rented to move some dirt to tear it down.

We are so fucking retarded. Why we didn't do that to begin with I'll never know. Dammit we're dumb when we're drinking. In a matter of ten minutes the whole thing was torn down into a huge pile of wood and screws, it's amazing how fast those things work.

It didn't take much longer than that for Ricky to grab a can of diesel fuel out of the shop and hand it to me. I had to climb to the top of the wood pile and pour that whole fucking thing out which wasn't a big deal but it actually took me a little bit to navigate my way down without slipping and killing myself. Mike had fished a road flare out of the shop and had lit it and chucked it on the pile just as I was almost off the thing. There was a huge fwoosh behind me and a big wave or heat, I figured I was about to be engulfed in flames so I dove off or atleast attempted to. I ended up stumbling and falling down with the set of Backdraft roaring behind me. I was finally able to climb off with Ricky's help with only a few scratches on me. I immeadiately went over and punched Mike in the arm as hard as I could for almost killing me via fire. I'm not afraid of dying but I would at least like the option for an open casket funeral and that wasn't going to happen if I had been charred up and looking like that guy in the wheelchair in Hannibal.

Matt's almost died that night tally: 3

That thing went up faster than I've ever seen any wood light before. After he started the fire Mike went in and grabbed a handle of morgan and a case of pepsi. Fire and four dudes can make short work of that much alcohol, and right after that is when all the good ideas come into play.

I don't know who suggested it but we eventually ended up giving eachother rides in the bucket of the trackhoe. Yeah, I know, that's real smart. Just imagine how absurd that would be if someone suggested that to you while you were sober.

"Okay, here's what we're going to do. You're going to climb up into the bucket of that big ass machine there and I'm going to get into the cockpit and start spinning you around in it until you're going fast enough to where I can extend that arm out all the way so the only thing holding you in is the centripetal force."

If you were sober you would tell that person that they're out of their fucking mind, but we weren't sober, not by a long shot. Hell, we weren't anywhere near buzzed, we were full on drunk and when you're that drunk you think everything is a good idea.

I was the second to go and I was psyched after seeing Coop flying around so it took no convincing for me to climb into the bucket. My turn wasn't nearly as fun. Sure it started off great but just as Mike got the arm all the way out he slowed down and that caused me to start sliding down.

There I am, a full grown man, drunk off his ass, getting a ride from a buddy in a piece of heavy machinery in the middle of the night next to a massive bonfire where I'm starting to slide out and I'm screaming for him to speed up. It was a good picture. I was really about to fall out when Mike realized that he wasn't going fast enough and if he didn't speed up or bring me down his buddy was going to die a horrible death. He brought me down right away and I got out as fast as I could to get on solid ground swearing that I was never going to do something stupid like that again. Of course we all know that's a damn lie, I can't pass up shit like that.

Matt's almost died that night tally: 4

Nothing will sober you up than honestly fearing for your life. Of course after a couple more beers your soberness departs and you're ready for more stupid shit.

We calmed down after a while and resumed our drinking by the fire for a couple more hours. It was actually pretty nice. It was really cool out but the fire was nice and hot so it felt good to be downing all that cold beer. We really didn't feel like picking everything up so Mike suggested a different way of cleaning up.

Within minutes he had grabbed a shotgun out of his safe and we were skeet shooting with all the beer bottles. If you've never done that, do it, it's a fucking blast. With all the gunshots and the flames we were bound to attract someone attention and that we did. I don't know what this person was thinking approaching four drunk dudes with a gun next to a big ass bonfire but he did.

Neighbor: "Oh my God, what happened to your barn?"
Mike: "It must have caught fire and burned down while we were at the bar" (in the most monotone voice ever)
N: "Your building just burned down? Why the hell are you guys so calm about it?
Ricky: "We're not right"

I think that pretty much sums it up, we couldn't possibly be "right" after all that shit.

One flight I wished was cancelled

2005-09-25T20:31:00.000-07:00

Now normally when I go to the movies and I see a bad one I forget about it and move on but last night I saw a movie that still irritates me right this moment.

Yesterday I went out with some friends to dinner and a movie after work since I've been too busy lately too see much of them. When we got to the theater all of us agreed on the one movie that actually looked half way decent; Flightplan with Jodie Foster. I've been seeing trailers for this movie for some time now and I thought it looked pretty good so I had my hopes up once again just to be shot down once again.

It was one of the worst movies I have seen in some time. Story sucked, acting sucked, visuals sucked, the fake plane sucked, plot sucked, literally everything about this movie sucked and it sucked hard. Jodie Foster hasn't been good in anything since Silence of the Lambs, plus, she looks really really old now and her boobies weren't as giggly as they were in Panic Room.

Who the hell cast that little girl? She was awful and it made me actually hate her. Bitch. She was just really really bad. Film companies should be required to cast Dakota Fanning if they want to use a child actress because all the other ones suck. Before seeing that movie I have never wanted to see a kid die more than that girl scout that lost our order for somoas.

God that movie sucked.

Here's a little rundown. Jodie Foster's kid isn't imagined, she's real. The arabs aren't really terrorists they're just arabs, damn dirty arabs. The air-marshal is really the bad guy. The flight attendent with the big lips is his partner. They want to blow up the plane. The explosives are hidden in Jodie Foster's husbands casket. Her husband didn't fall, he was killed by the air marshal. They needed Jodie Foster because she had knowledge of the plane and they were going to blame the hijacking on her. For some reason she knew a lot about the plane's inner quarters for being someone that just helped design the engines. The kid is hidden in avitronics. Avitronics of a real plane don't look like that because it would waste a lot of space. Erika Christensen's part shouldn't even exist, she does nothing the whole time. They land and everyone gets off except for the bad guys and Jodie. Jodie finds her daughter while trying to get away from the air-marshal and steals the detonator from the airmarshal. She finds a magical bomb proof compartment and puts her daughter in it, then she climbs in. The airmarshal is just feet away. They exchange quips. He shoots at her, she closes the bullet proof door just in time. She blows him up while her and her daughter are safe in the magic chamber. She opens up a compartment to the outside of the plane and walks through the smoke and fire carrying her unconcious kid like Sylvester Stallone in Demolition Man or something. All the passengers and crew on the tarmac wonder who she's carrying. The Captain lets everyone know it's her daughter that nobody thought existed, like we didn't see that line coming. They cut to her holding her kid who is still out cold in some gymnasium. Apparently there are gyms in airports in Newfoundland. Nobody seems to care that her daughter is comatose because they're in a gym instead of a hospital. A van magically appears in the gym. Jodie loads her kid in the van. Kid wakes up, says "are we there yet?". Arab guy who previously had a beef with Jodie helps her with her bag. Some how the van drives out of the gym. Movie ends. I get pissed.

So there's that movie.

You may think I ruined that movie for you, I think I just saved you $8.

Dust Storm

2005-09-18T23:05:00.000-07:00

Alright fuckers, it's story time. I thought I'd give you people a glimps at my childhood to maybe illustrate why I turned out the way I did. I literally have dozens of stories like this from my childhood that show pretty well why I am the person I am.

My mom and dad divorced when I was very young so I always did different things with both sides of the family that were special to that particular parent. The one thing all of my siblings and I have been doing with my dad since as far back as any of us can remember is going to the renaissance fesitval down in Larkspur, CO. I think I was about seven or eight the year when this particular event occured.

My dad made everyone stay over at his house one night because the next day we were going down to the festival. In the morning he piled my brothers, my sister, my stepmom and myself into the suv and started booking it down to Larkspur. It was the standard longer family car ride; joking, bickering, yelling, and my dad threatening us. I always hated those rides back then because I was one of the the middle kids so I always got fucked over. I had the standard middle child position in the car, the back seat, in the middle, with my feet on the hump, all because my older brother and sister would take the good window seats. I hate that fucking hump, I'm still bitter about that shit.

I'm not sure if I have any Colorado readers anymore but if I do and you've been to the festival down there you know that going into larkspur there are some railroad tracks that you have to cross. We had made it to that point and were waiting for a train to go by behind several other cars that were going to the same place because that's the only thing that goes on in that Godforsaken town. A few minutes had passed and everyone in the truck were all pretty quiet when my dad finally spoke.

He looked around pretty alarmed and said "Uh oh, dust storm coming. Everyone roll up your windows".

He was our father and all knowing so we had no reason to question him since we had no knowledge of weather conditions like dust storms, I mean, the oldest of us kids was just 13 at the time. Even our stepmom hit the button and rolled up her window, because her husband was a kind, honest man.

Once the windows were up, that mother fucker let out the nastiest, raunchiest, wettest fart ever in the history of farts. Naturally everyone's instinct was to roll the windows back down and that's when we found out that son of a bitch locked all the windows.

We were all tying to get the windows down because we knew that soon the fart would hit us but we thought we had a few seconds to get some fresh air in there before we smelled. Now, I don't know what the diffusion rate of a fart is but it ought to be researched because that damn thing spread faster than I though physically possible. It was horrible. It smelled like death. Everyone in the car was gagging and panicing trying to get out. The problem was, we couldn't, the child saftey locks were engaged on the back doors.

Have you ever seen the scene in Jurassic Park when the raptors are chasing the kids in the kitchen and the girl is in the little cabinet on the end of the counter and she's stuggling to force the door of the cabinet as one of the raptors is lunging after her? Remember her panic? Yeah, that was us trying to get out of that truck all while my dad was laughing his ass off. We were screaming and gagging, I think my little brother may have started crying in the front inbetween my dad and my stepmom.

It was the worst thing I had ever smelled in my little 8 yearold life and because I was in the middle I got the brunt impact of it. I almost died y'all. Seriously.

Finally my step mom had gotten past the panic stage, undid her seatbelt and got out. She saw my sister pounding on the glass and opened the back door and when she did we all piled out of the truck as fast as we could.

There we were gasping for air and thanking the Lord that we hadn't suffocated in that hot stealy deathtrap when we all realized that all the people in the cars behind us were staring at us kids crawling on the ground and coughing. Great, for the rest of the day people are going to be staring at us because we're the whacko family. Ah the renaissance fesitval, good times.
-----------------

So that was one of the first times I almost died and the only time todate that I was almost killed by a parent. That event was one of the main building blocks in shaping my sense of humor and my really my whole personality. It's not exactly a secret that my father and I don't have the best relationship but I do have to say this about him, he is one funny mofo and I thank him for passing on his sense of humor to me.

Seat crisis

2005-09-09T21:55:00.000-07:00

I just got yelled at for leaving the seat up, not by my Mother. No, that would make sense. I got yelled at for leaving the seat up by my stepdad. At first I thought it was just weird that he would say something to me about that when all of a sudden that I realized it was much stranger than that.

My stepdad pees like a girl.

This is the only male role model I've really had at all in my life because my dad is a piece of shit, and he just came out and told me that he sits down and pees like a girl. I don't know if you people know how emotionally damaging this is to me. The only thing that could make this worse is if I found out that he runs or throws like a girl too.

He's what, 51 years old? How long has he been doing this? Does he only do this at home or does he do it out in public? Has he done it at sporting events or other guy places? Does he squat in the woods while camping to pee instead of standing and peeing on a tree? Why? This isn't right, no man should do this. Oh God, what the hell is happening around here?

I'm going to have to start climbing up a step ladder and peeing off of it into the toilet just to make up for the total vertical distance average that we just lost when I found out he sits down to pee.

Things that piss me off

2005-08-25T23:06:00.000-07:00

Part one:

One ply toilet paper
People with credit scores below 690
Allergies
Flat tires
Bars that don't carry New Belgium beers
California
New York
Wetback immigrants
Actually, all immigrants
The toothpaste speckles on the bathroom mirror
Larry the Cable Guy
The Redwings
Fat women that don't wear bras
Missing the McGriddles by 13 minutes
Mad TV
Howling dogs
Hippies
Asiago cheese
Two lane roads that have been turned into one lane for construction
Missing remotes
Owners of hybrid cars
Indians that call me "my friend"
Self proclaimed "hip parents"
Retarded children eating at a resturant while I'm trying to eat, I can't watch that, it makes me sick
People that talk like snoop dog
"It's a Jeep thing, you wouldn't understand"
Claymation
Black people that pronounce the letters "th" as "f" ala "I have to use the bafroom"
Those damn kids and their rap music
People that let their dogs shit in my front yard, even if they pick it up
Barry Bonds
Working late on $1 per scoop night at Baskin Robins
People that don't laugh at retarded or handicapped or deaf people at least once in a while
Jimmy Fallon
Guys that purposely make their hair messy, don't they realize that looks gay?
Racoons in my chimminy
People that look at me funny everytime I say "Whenever racoons get on our back porch, momma just sweeps them away with a broom"
People that wear sweaters year-round
The Rolling Stones
Dan O'Dowd
"Text the word "fun" to 99399" commercials
That hollerback girl song
Piercings on girls anywhere but the ears
Flannel sheets in the summer
People that don't like country music
Boob jobs
Geo metros in the left lane
Todd Bertuzzi and now Gary Bateman
Basketball
The ABC family channel
Leaving the room while watching women's beach volleyball and coming back to men playing
People incapable of driving manual transmissions
Friends that try to get me to go to church with them saying "Oh, our church is fun"
Employee pricing on new vehicles
Waking up from a nap sweating
Stale beer
Answering phones
Having my pens stolen
Waiting for people
The movie "The Forgotten"
Hummers, not BJ's, H2's and H3's
Wind
CNN
People that name their dogs "Dakota"
Table cloths
Texans in my state
People that correct me when I call a Chinese person "Oriental"
Not being able to get a good gyro in Lilly-White America here
Really huge chicks that have to press their guts and hooters on me when they're cutting my hair, gross
Cats
People that don't cover their shit when they sneeze
People that look at me weird when I'm cleaning my ears with my car keys
Hard mattresses
Rotary telephones
Smelly people
Old people with growths that get mad when you look at them
Being touched by people
Hobos
Homos
PETA
Wellfare
Soft talkers
When the TV guide channel is wrong by an hour
People that mispronounce words even my four yearold nephew can say correctly
Friends that let their significant others control what they eat
People that don't stand up for themselves
Wakeboarders, they're the Colorado counterpart of surfers and I hate them just as much
Old hippies that never grew out of it and now name their kids things like "River" and "Dew"
Poor black people that blame their state on white people keeping them down
People that don't take responsibility for their actions

There's more, I just don't feel like typing them out right now

Mutual of Omaha, eat your heart out. This is my wild kingdom, bitch.

2005-08-15T19:22:00.000-07:00

I've been camping with my family and friends every summer for the last 22 years and usually it's the same thing, quiet and relaxing. The trip to the mountains I just got back from started out that way but on the second day of peace and quiet a buddy of mine met us up there and he brought the booze cooler and along with that cooler came a favorite of mine, morgan. I always have a good time while camping but the captain always adds a little flare.

Everyday was filled with cocktails, fishing, hiking, fourwheeling, games, and boating. I don't think I was ever drunk the whole time I was up there but I was sporting a pretty decent buzz almost constantly and it was a blast.

While I did have a very good time, I came to the conclusion that mother nature hates me, a lot. In just a four day span I was chased three different species of animals. We went to rent a boat on the third day and while everyone else was inside the marina I stayed outside with my beer and started petting some stranger's dog that was chained up outside. Her name was Ruby and her and I quickly became pals. The sun was on my back, I was drinking a fat tire, and I was petting a pooch. It was a damn fine day. Up until I started getting too friendly with the wildlife.

I was sitting and talking to and rubbing on Ruby when I heard some buzzing and humming. I turned to my right and saw a hummingbird feeder with about 20 birds fluttering around it. Awesome. I don't know if it was the beer in my hand or the 3 cocktails I had before it that morning but at that moment those little hummingbirds were some of the coolest things I've ever seen. So much so that I decided that I needed to get a closer look. I was within two feet of the feeder and suprisingly enough most of the birds hand't flown away when I felt the need to reach out and try to touch one of them. They weren't happy about that because as soon as I did that they all scattered. I was bummed and thought that I ruined my chance when seconds later I was hit in the side of the head by one of the birds. I don't know how many of you have been in close proximity of a hummingbird but they're loud. It's a pretty cool noise but not after you've been hit in the head by a bird at high speeds, it's downright terrifying.

With buzzing coming from multiple birds inches away from my ears I dropped my beer and took off running. I blew past Ruby as fast as I could swatting the air around my head because I still heard humming close. I could only imagine I looked like Jim Carrey in Ace Ventura 2 when he's running out of the cave with bats flying all around him. I must have sprinted a good 70 feet before I stopped. When I finally stopped running and started looking around I noticed an old guy just starring at me. Whatever, fuck you dude, like you've never been chased by birds before.

Later that day after spending a good chunk of the day on the boat we came back to camp to cook a late lunch. I was sitting around joking and drinking some morgan and pepsi when our camp was raided by a squirrel. He was hungry and wanted some scraps or something and I had no problem with that so I tossed him a miniature snickers bar. He gladly took it and went and sat on a stump no more than 10 feet away. All was dandy until he got bored with the snickers and came back to us looking for something else. I tried to shoo him away but it didn't work so I stood up and walked at him. He backed up but the moment I stopped walking at him he stopped moving away. I got fed up like I sometimes do and decided to throw a handful of rocks, dirt, and pinecone pieces at him to scare him away because I wasn't about to be bothered by that little son of a bitch all evening. He didn't much care for the rocks because he started running toward me.

Now, I'm a big dude and most people percieve me as being tough, but when that little rodent started bounding at me, I freaked. I took off in the opposite direction as fast as possible all while squealing like a 12 year old girl. I am such a vagina. I've wrestled dogs bigger than me and I've stood my ground against guys that could rip my arms out of their sockets, but I ain't fucking with a squirrel. Have you looked those things in their eyes? They're fucking evil. Evil I say.

After that I vowed not to mess with nature anymore for the duration of my trip and play nice.

The last full day of my trip my buddy and I went hiking along a creek. I don't know how many of you have actually been to Colorado but I'm convinced I live in the most beautiful place on the planet and while we were hiking I saw some scenery that literally blew me away. When you have those kinds of views infront of you you'd be suprised how easy it is to hike into the backcountry. We had just started the second hour of our hike on the creek when we came across a nature photographer for some little magazine that I'd never heard of.

We started talking to her and just joking around for a little while and finally she asked us what we did for a living. I, of course, made up the biggest lie I could think of and told her that I was a professional wrestler and that I wrestled under the name "The Disgruntaled Postman". My buddy pretended to be my trainer and said we were vacationing with some other wrestlers on the circuit. The lady bought our story and she loved us for it and wanted to get some pictures with us. She told us that she was taking pictures of life along the creek and that she was just headed to a beaver pond to take some pictures of the little fella and she invited us to come along. I had never seen a beaver (heh) in person before and neither had my friend so we agreed quickly to join her.

Another twenty minutes or so we got to the pond along the creek and I was psyched. 40 pound swiming rats? Hell yes. I thought that she was just going to get some pictures with her telephoto lens and then show us the picutres, that was if we even saw a beaver because I was sure that beavers were elusive creatures or something. No way. The beaver was right there on the bank and we walked right up to. I don't know if this lady had been there a bunch before or what but the beaver wasn't scared of her or anything, it just sat there grooming itself in peace as we came right up to it. Beavers are fucking huge which is scary enough but the thing that blew me away was the size of it's hands and the claws it had. This thing could tear me up more than a black man on a little white girl on prom night if I pissed it off. Guess what I did? Pissed it off you say? You're so smart.

Photographer lady: Matt, why don't you get closer so I can get a picture of you next to it?

Me: 10 feet isn't close enough?

PL: Don't worry, you can get closer, he won't bite.

Me: You're the expert. (I don't know what I was thinking when I said this because she wasn't an expert, she was a fucking photographer.)

I got within three feet of this thing and to my suprise he was fine with it, still just grooming away.

PL: Lean in more and smile.

Me: Take the picture please, I'm really uncomfortable with this.

After she took the picture she told me to stand up slowly and move away. This is when a steak of brillance hit me. I should touch it, I mean how often do I get to touch a wild beaver (ha)? This thing is tame I figured, he probably wouldn't mind if I rode him like shamu during the show at sea world but I didn't want to get wet so I just decided to only pet him.

My hand didn't get very close when he sensed what I was about to do and he wasn't too pleased. This thing hissed at me with a noise that I've never heard before in my life and I hope to never hear again. It sounded like an airplane flying overhead.

I froze and almost abandoned my plan when I talked myself into finishing my quest to grab some beaver (hahaha). All of a sudden like it was under it's own control my hand started getting closer to my furry little buddy. He had had enough and that's when lunged at me. I didn't "stand up slowly and move away", fuck no, I jumped up and bolted. The photographer lady was pissed at me for disturbing nature or some shit so I don't think I'll make the cover of her magazine. While she screamed at me the beaver started walking toward us. I wasn't having any of that so I moved up the hill as quickly as possible. I've chased beaver before but I've never been chased by A beaver before (seriously folks, I can make beaver jokes all day) and I care not to ever experience anything like that again. I will have nightmares in the future because of it, I'm sure.

I don't know if I will ever drink again while in the mountains. I still love nature, I just don't much care for wildlife.

I'm gonna need a bigger blog

2005-07-17T21:39:00.000-07:00

Most of the year I am a fairy normal person with slight nerd tendancies from time to time, but all question as to my nerdativity has just been removed. Why you ask? Well one of my favorite events has just kicked off and I couldn't be happier.

It's Shark Week bitch, and I loooooove it.

For being a nerd at least I like some pretty cool shit. None of my geek vices include Star Trek, D&D, or Funyuns. Nope, I like shit that blows up or that bites and kills other things.

I mean, I just watched a shark bite a guy's calf almost completely off on camera, how fucking cool is that?

God Bless the Discovery Channel.

Can I get a 'Whoa Bundy'?

The Lord Loves the Drinkin' Man, but the management doesn't

2005-07-02T22:36:00.000-07:00

Last night I went out with a couple of old friends (Steve and Alex) to a local bar for a few beers to shoot the shit and relax after a hard day's work, we had a good time, maybe too good of a time.

We showed up a little after 930 and headed right for the patio to proceed drinking. It was an incredible bar (with exception of the INSANE prices[$5.75 per beer, ouch]); well laid out, good music playing, not loud, not smokey, and a great atmosphere with the outdoor fireplaces everywhere. As soon as I walked in I knew I liked this place and I was going to enjoy myself to the fullest.

Now, I used to be a pro but lately I haven't done shit for drinking so my tollerance has gone down a bit down but that didn't matter to me because I was there to cut loose and have fun, and that I did.

Things progressed with the normal bar activities of drinking, talking, and ogling the hooters of the help, sorry but I can't help it when they're right in my face or practically resting on my shoulder everytime she comes over. Anyways we were having a fun time catching up and retelling stories of the shit we all used to do when suddenly I finished off my 5th beer and I realized I was pretty buzzed, sweet, but I wasn't done quite yet.

At about beer 8 (I assume, I wasn't exactly thinking clearly [as you will soon see] enough to remember where I was) Alex stands up and announces to everyone within earshot that he has to take a shit. Since I hadn't been to this particular bar before I decided that I would follow him to the bathroom so I knew where it was in the future and so I could pee anyways.

You know that feeling of being drunk while sitting down and then standing up for the first time since you started drinking? Yeah I had that going on big time. It was okay though because I gave myself the usual pep talk of "Okay Matt, you can do this. Just smile and don't wobble too much" and was quickly on my way to the bathroom following Alex's lead.

Things were blurry at best. All I remember doing was following the reflection off the back of Alex's running shoes all the way through the building until he opened the door to the bathroom. As soon as I walked in the flourecent light hit my eyes causing me to freeze in my tracks for a second so I could adjust from going from darkness to something so bright.

I still stood right where I was while blinking like crazy in the silent bathroom, except for the sounds of Alex in a stall, when suddenly my eyes were able to focus enough to where I could make out a trough urinal right next to where I stood. Sweet.

8 pints will move through you quickly and I sure didn't feel the need to hold it any longer so I promptly unzipped and let loose in the trough. Normally I'd savor the feeling of relief that a peeing of that amount of liquid would bring about but I couldn't get over the weird layout of the bathroom because as I peed I was looking directly at myself in a mirror. First I thought it was weird because usually when I'm peeing I'm used to reading the sports section of a newspaper or something of that nature that's been hung on the wall infront of the urinal, but I figured that this bar isn't exactly like the rest since it's kind of nicer and they have all kinds of cool stuff like fireplaces everywhere so all of a sudden watching myself pee became really fucking cool.

Me- "This place is great"

Alex yelling from stall- "I know, we need to hang out here more"

High pitched voice- "What are you doing?"

Alex yelling from stall- "Wiping"

At this point I had finished, shook, and had started zipping up. I turned around in mid-zip only to be facing a little redheaded girl.

Me- "Is there a line in the girls room or something?"

Redhead- "What the hell are you talking about?"

[sound of Alex flushing]

Me- "Speaky English? Is there a line in the ladies room?(Said while using made up sign language and talking like a deaf person)"

Redhead- "This is the ladies room!"

At this she reached behind her and to my right, grabbed the door handle to hold open the door and show me the sign indicating that this was indeed the ladies room. By now Alex was out of the stall and standing like 6 feet away from the girl and I.

My mind was racing as fast as it could in it's intoxicated state. Did Alex know this was the girl's room? Why'd he come in here if he'd been to this bar before? Wait, why does the ladies room have a urinal? At that last thought I wipped around as fast as I could to stare at my trough when it hit me.

I had just peed in the girl's sink.

Me- "Shit, sorry about that"

That girl just shook her head and gave me the most disgusted look I've ever been given before, which, believe me, was a feat.

Alex, who had been silent up until now, put his arm up and leaned up against the tampon machine (if you saw that you would have shit yourself laughing, I'm not even joking about that because I almost did), looked at the girl and said "So, come here often?". It might be the one of the single funniest things I've ever seen in my life, I know he was joking when he said it but the way it came out made it absolute comedic gold.

The girl yelled something at us and we just stumbled out of the bathroom as quickly as possible and headed for our table out on the patio. I was in tears by this point and just doubled over, I still have no clue how I was able to acutally make it back to our table without falling down.

Still more than drunk, I ordered one more beer and proceeded to tell Steve about what had just happened who then laughed so hard that he snorted loud enough to attract the attention of everyone on the patio again. All my friends make a scene everywhere I go, I don't know what it is but at this point I'm convinced that I have nothing to do with it, I'm just happen to be there at the time.

Halfway through my beer one of the managers came out and asked us to leave because apparently the girl had complained to someone. We stood up, gathered our jackets and such and headed out without paying the tab and nobody questioned our instant move to the door without purchasing the booze we drank.

If you take anything from reading about my night, take this: If you don't want to pay your tab, pee in the opposite sex's sink.

It was a damn good night.

P.S. I apologize to any and all of those that I made phone calls to after we left the bar. I know who I called because my phone still shows the outgoing calls, I just don't know what I may have said you you. Sorry about that.

.....we'll have a gay old tiiiiiiime......

2005-06-27T21:39:00.000-07:00

Now, I'm not gay but maybe I should consider switching teams because this shit looks like it could be a fucking blast.

Gay

Rectum? Damn near ki- OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!?!?!?!?!

2005-06-09T22:14:00.000-07:00

Today I spent the day at 12,500 feet up in the mountains. It was gorgeous, really it was. There's nothing like the Rocky Mountains on a early June day. I've seen few things as beautiful as what I witnessed today, I really shouldn't spend that much time without going up there again. As pretty as it was, something completely horrible came from it all.

After I got down from the mountains I headed over to the gym for a quick workout. I had originally planned on doing a little hiking while I was up in the high country but it was just too cold this early in the year at that elevation so I had to hold off. My time at the gym went smoothly without anyone making any funny remarks or anything to disrupt me. When I finished up on the bike I headed to the locker room for a shower.

Showering at my gym is like walking through a mine field, except for trying to not step on land mines you are trying not to catch a glimpse of old-man-wang (which seems to be more than bountiful) out of the corner of your eye, or much worse, head ( hee hee) on. I made it most of the way through the shower without seeing any geriatric penile tissue so I figured that I had nothing else to be concerned with. I was wrong, oh so very wrong.

I was almost done with my normal shower routine when I went to my backside. As a friend of mine says "The pope loves a clean pooper", so I followed the advice and went to wash the pooper even though I'm not Catholic. When I got there I found something completely amiss.

Matty has a hemorrhoid, oh no.

When I found my little sphincter buddy I promptly rinsed off and headed home. Longest drive ever. When I got home the first thing I did was dig up my doctor friend's (that's a subjective term) phone number and gave him a call. After a quick discussion he agreed to meet me down in Englewood near his practice. Now just to let you know, I have had one before but it was gone in the matter of two days so it really wasn't a big deal. When I got that one I went to the same doctor friend and had him check it out too.

This time I even used the same phrase when I got him in private. I dropped my shorts, bent over and said "Be a pal and take a look at my asshole will you?" Things like this don't phase him so it really wasn't a big deal but we got a laugh out of it. Well it turns out that I have what he likes to call a class 3 hemorrhoid, which is one that it's average size but only itches like crazy and doesn't burn and or leak blood or anything completely gross like that (thank God because I'd have to shoot myself before going through that).

I've racked my brain over the last few hours trying to figure out what could have caused my little dilemma. Finally I just assumed that since I haven't had any homo ass-sex with giant black dudes anytime in the recent past that it must have been caused by the bumpy ride in the mountains today.

I've never been so afraid to sneeze in my life, and that's really scary considering how bad my allergies are. Worrying about sneezing has caused me to come up with this little math equation: hemorrhoid + Claritin = clean underwear.

Tomorrow morning I'm waking up early and going to the store and getting some preparation H, then I'm going to come home and apply the soothing ointment to my butt all while singing the Preparation H Raymond song.

Ooooooh, listen up to what I'm singing

Raymond's here Raymond's here

I'm here to stop your butt from stinging

Raymond's here to help

Oooooh, if you have a vein that is distended

Raymond's here Raymond's here

apply this cream and you'll be mended

Raymond's here to help

P.S. I'm back bitches so quit emailing me about not posting. Christ, can't you people handle not reading something on here for a month? Also, for the rest of the summer I won't be using BE or anything like that so this site's traffic will be strictly from word of mouth. I could try to pass this off as science experiment to see what kind of traffic I can generate on my own but honestly, I'm just too fucking lazy to surf blogs.

I've got a woody

2005-04-29T11:13:00.000-07:00

I love nature. It's a beautiful thing, that is, up until it wakes me up for a whole week straight at 5:30am. My yard has a massive tree in the back yard, it very well might be the biggest one in the whole neighborhood and it's attracted an animal that'd I'd rather not have in it.

We have a woodpecker. Just super.

Rather than have that little bastard wake me up for the 5th day in a row I decided to wake up even earlier, grab my BB gun, a thermos of coffee, and stake out the woodpecker in the wee morning hours. Luckily I brought out a tape recorder so I could document my stake out for your entertainment.

The following is the transcript of my recordings from the stakeout word for word in it's entirety.

- It's Friday, April the 29th of 2005 at 4:55 in the AM. It's 26 degrees with 1 inch of snow on the ground. I'm sitting in a lawn chair under the pine tree in the south-west corner of our yard and I'm currently waiting for the little asshole of bird to show up.

- 5:10am. It's cold, but only one of my nipples is hard so I guess it's not really that cold. Also, my testicles have gone into hiding.

- 5:21am. Haha ha Ha ha....

- 5:35am. He's late. Birds have no sense of punctuality.

-5:40am. Becoming discouraged.

-5:49am. I wish I had my phone out here so I could call Renee, I need a laugh because this pine tree isn't funny at all.

-5:57am. I tried to write my name in the snow but I only had enough for MA. I wish I had a camera so I could take a picture of it and give it to my mom for mother's day.

-6:12am. Fuck it's cold. I'd probably be better off hunting for Chilly Willy in this weather than I would be hunting for woody woodpecker. Whatever happend to Chilly Willy anyways? That cartoon was gay.

-6:25am. 30 degrees, sweet.

-6:40am. What one man can do, another can do. That movie was awesome.

-6:58am. I'm giving it another half hour and then I'm going inside.

-7:11am. R. O. C. K. in the USA.

-7: 20am. I hear him, he's in someone else's tree. I'm going to stay out as long as I can hear him with the hope that he comes over to mine again like he has everyday. He must be behind schedule. Woodpeckers are the Women-getting-ready of the bird world.

-7:41am. Still nothing but the temp broke the freezing point.

-8:00am. The dogs are howling, I hate them. I'm going inside. I will get the woodpecker someday and when that day comes I will feast on the meat of the devil bird that has been made tender by weeks of eating bugs out of my tree while waking me up far earlier than I need to be woken up. Oh I will get him.

If I've learned anything from my stakeout it's this: I say some dumb shit when I'm tired.

Are you there God? It's me, Matt

2005-04-05T16:56:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke up to find that on the inside of my thigh near my crotch I had a huge blood blister which I decided came from the miles of walking I did yesterday in Denver for opening day of baseball in the shorts that rubbed me with every stride. It was extremely swollen, very painful, red and black, and looking to pop, it just wasn't a pretty sight. As much as I wanted to open it up myself I knew better to than open it because it would increase the chances of becoming infected so I decided I'd just leave it alone until it went away, little did I know that later in the day I'd regret not opening and draining it when I had the chance.

It got myself showered and dressed and headed out to run some errands. It was just some normal shit that I have to do every week but this time I was hating it because every step that I took hurt and I could feel my underwear rubbing up and down on the blister. All I wanted to do was go home and take off my pants and sit on the couch with my legs as far apart as I could get them but before I could do that I had to go to the post office and send out some stuff.

It was rough but I fought my way through mid-day traffic and got there eventually. I parked, gathered up my outgoing mail on the passenger seat, and winced at my pants rubbed my new friend on my leg as I stepped out of my truck on my way towards the building. As I started walking I all of a sudden noticed that my steps no longer hurt and I just took that to mean that the inside of my leg finally numbed up, I wasn't about to question my new painfree state so I just kept on walking.

Just like everyone everywhere, when I got inside I had to wait in line before I could have my stuff sent. I stood there for a couple minutes quietly chewing my gum and thinking about some things when the little girl that was with the lady infront of me said "Mister, you are bweeding"

Me- Huh?
Little girl's mom- Oh my God, are you alright? (said while looking at my crotch)

That's when I looked down to see a fairly decent spot of blood on my jeans. Nothing will scare you more as a guy to look down and see blood inches away from your penis.

Apparently my leg had it's first period.

It took me a second but I knew exactly where the blood was from and I assumed that the reason my leg wasn't hurting as I walked in was because it ripped open as I got out of the truck. Rather than following my instincts and dropping trou while still in line to checkout my wound I looked up to address all the people in line that were now staring at me and my bloody jeans. All I could muster was a shrug and quick "I guess it's that time of the month".

I got the obligatory quick dirty looks but nobody said anything to me, instead they all avoided me and my immediate area for the rest of the time in the post office.

Now I sit at home with a pair of ruined jeans and underwear in the wash hoping they'll be saved by the magic of Tide, and my version of a feminine product (cottonball with athletic tape, I call it a Mattpon) strapped to my thigh over my still draining blood geyser.

Next time any of you women want to tell me that I don't know embarrassment since I've never had my period in public, you can just save it. Okay? Because I do know now, and it's much more embarrassing for me since I don't even have the proper plumbing for that to make sense.

[Jim and Matt sitting on a picnic blanket in a park]

Jim- Hey Matt, do you ever not feel your freshest?

Matt- You know Jim, I used to, until I came across these (holds up a box of Mattpons)

Jim- What are those?

Matt- Why these are Mattpons, by Mattco. They're the single most absorbent male hygiene product available today. Watch what happens when I pour this vial of blue liquid that I just happened to have in my pocket on one.

Jim- Wow Matt, that is absorbent.

Matt- You're telling me. Just don't let your little lady get a hold of them.

Jim- Oh Matt.....

(Laughing together)

Indiana Jones and the Reckoning of the Sinuses

2005-03-31T23:25:00.000-08:00

I think I contracted AIDS of the sinuses or something because I'm sicker than a dog and it seems to be localized entirely within the area behind my nose. The mucus river is flowing at an all time high and the damn busted a long time ago and now the river is wiping out the unexpecting quiet town that is my box of tissues, the casualties are enormous.

Since it's not socially acceptable to carry around a whole box of Kleenex and a trash can to put the used ones in in public I've basically been confined to my bed to get better. It sounds pretty sweet but there's only so much sleeping you can do before you start to go crazy and daytime TV can suck my ass so I've taken to watching DVD's. Today I popped in the greatest trilogy of all time, Indiana Jones. Besides being the most entertaining trilogy of all time, I learned in my doped up state that it's infinitely wise too. Here's a small list of the wisdom that's offered up in the Indiana Jones movies that are guaranteed to get you out of a jam sometime in the future.

1. "You call him Doctor Jones, Doll." - Short Round may be a modern day Confucius.

2. If you're entertaining Indians and looking for the perfect meal look no further than a hearty Snake Surprise followed by a delicious dessert of "Chilled ah monkey brains" .

3. Archeology, by a wide margin, will get you more tail than any other profession.

4. In Latin, Jehovah starts with an "I". That's especially helpful when you're looking for the grail.

5. Anyone can be a Nazi, seriously, even hot Austrian chicks.

6. If you're captured, bad guys won't take away your gun, just your bullets.

7. The black sleep of the Kali can be cured with just some good old fashioned fire, who would have thought? I wish I could get out of this fucking cold with some fire.

8. If a Chinese man you're sitting with starts laughing for no reason, you just drank poison.

9. Only a leap from the lions mouth will prove your worth, but don't worry because it's only an optical illusion, and a pretty sweet one at that. Lance Burton doesn't have shit on those guarding Christian relics. Along the same lines, only the penitent man will pass. Think about it.

10. Anything and everything explodes except for tanks, it's true.

There really is so much more to learn from watching those movies but I'm not going to type them out because I have to go take some drugs and go to bed, I might also whack off, I haven't decided yet.

Godzilla + Hippie roommate = Perpetual unemployment

2005-03-29T18:48:00.000-08:00

Last night I didn't fall asleep, partly because of insomnia, but a lot of it had to do with me watching a Godzilla movie until 5:00am. Once in a while I won't sleep yet I'll keep trying to force myself to do so but last night I realized that I wasn't going to once I started watching Godzilla battle Mothra and Battra (which by the way wasn't a fair fight but whatever) because it really was a captivating movie. It wasn't the first time I've pulled an all nighter doing nothing at all so I was prepared for a normal day of fighting off the urge to nap for hours on end in the afternoon. The only thing I wanted was to keep myself awake until the tonight so I might actually sleep so I decided to remove myself from my room where there was a pillow beckoning me and go take a wakeup shower and go upstairs to watch tv until businesses opened up so I could go fill out some applications.

I showered, got dressed in my spring attire (shorts and a shortsleeve shirt) since it's actually been pretty nice out the last few days, and went up to watch the morning news. Instead of sitting upright like a normal person I made a stupid move and laid down. The thing is, I didn't lie down like most people do when they are on the couch, instead I went over to the love seat, stood on the outside of the armrest with my back to the couch, sat down on the armrest, and just leaned back while pretending to be a scuba diver entering the water from the edge of a boat with my palm on my face to hold on my invisible scuba mask (fuck you people, don't judge me, you've all done that before). Most comfortable position ever.

I started watching the news and I was doing well counting down the time until I had to go out job searching, but when they made it to the segment where they were talking to a wildlife official about how you're supposed to act if you're attacked by a cougar I drifted off to sleep still in my Sea Hunter dive position with my legs over the armrest.

I don't know what woke me up but something did and I looked at the clock and saw that it was 10:30, shit I'm already behind schedule! I got up, stumbled to the kitchen, slammed a cup of coffee, went to the front door and slipped on my sandals still groggy eyed. I was kind of out of it until I got to my vehicle and turned on my music then all of a sudden I was fine and off on my quest for a job. I hit up my main targets of plant nurseries, feed stores, and home improvement stores.

Place after place I got the same response from customer service people, a strange look followed by a "Sorry, we're not currently taking applications". What the fuck? I'm a respectable looking kid with muscles and a strong back, why wouldn't these places even give me an application? I told myself they could all just go screw themselves and drove home discouraged. When I got home my cool but very "left" roommate was sitting on the couch watching tv obviously biting her lip and trying not to laugh about something. I walked in and started to tell her about my job hunt when suddenly she burst out laughing when I got to the part about how everyone was giving me weird looks.

her- "You've got to be kidding right?"

me- " About what?"

her- "have you not seen yourself?"

I instantly moved my hands up to my face to check if I had a booger on me all day or if I missed a giant spot shaving.

me- "seriously, what's the deal?"

her- "look down"

That's when I realized why I had attracted the odd looks, my toe nails were painted bright red. Fantastic.

I guess when I fell asleep on the love seat my dive position with my bare feet hanging over the edge of the armrest presented a perfect opportunity for my roomy to fuck with me. Normally when I sleep if I'm touched I'll wake up instantly but since I pulled an all nighter I was extra out of it when I drifted off and I didn't notice that they had been painted when I went to put on my sandals. So I walked around all day with my pretty toes hanging out for the world to see as I went to apply at the few businesses I actually wanted to work at and now they think I'm a fucking drag queen or something that forgot to get completely out of costume before job searching and that's just great. I went into five places scattered around the city and I never once notice my dazzling red toes. I mean, how often do you really look down at your feet? I really only look down to make sure my boys are there and doing fine.

Normally I'd be pissed at someone screwing with my job prospects but it really was a good prank so I'm going to cut her some slack, not to say I won't shave her cat tomorrow though.

The Ring 2, the feel good comedy of 2005

2005-03-22T15:51:00.000-08:00

Move over Shrek
Move over Napoleon Dynamite
Move over Meet the Fockers

The Ring 2 is here.

I went into this movie thinking that it had definite potential since the first Ring movie was actually pretty good, as usual, I was wrong. This was probably the funniest movie that wasn't supposed to be, ever. By the time the deer revolt was over I was laughing so hard that I was in tears and my head was damn near in the lap of a female friend who was shaking with laughter right next to 4 or 5 other friends doing the same thing. After that part I really couldn't take the movie seriously. The rest of the movie was filled with us making jokes and talking about Naomi Watt's nipples.

This movie was seriously hilarious, the only thing that could have made it any funnier would have been if they had the dead girl chasing around Naomi Watt's and her kid in fast forward with the Benny Hill music playing.

I also got "Shhh-ed" for laughing when Sissy Spacek made a cameo. Good times.

(phone rings)

Seven dollars and fifty cents........................... is how much money I want back from wasting two hours on that piece of shit

Koko goes berserk

2005-03-16T17:07:00.000-08:00

I have two female roommates, one of which is awesome, the other, not so awesome. The one that I don't like has a couple nicknames that I call her by, some to her face, most not. Here we'll refer to her as Koko. Outside of her personality flaws that are, lets face it, abundant, she bothers me on whole other levels. Everything she does and is, disgusts me. The way she talks, eats, even breathes bothers me, but the thing is, I learned to be bothered by those over time. The one thing that has bothered me about her from day one has been the giant gorilla paws she calls hands, hence the nickname Koko.

I remember the day we met when she reached out and wrapped her hand around mine and shook it. I smiled and said "nice to meet you", but deep down I was confused because up until that point I had never met a girl with bigger hands than I. Not only are they big but they are strong. Because of it all, I have taken to calling her "Manhands" when not in her presence.

Normally this wouldn't be a problem because she'd never find out, but today the ape shit hit the fan.

I went and rented The Incredibles today so I'd have some form of entertainment this afternoon. As usual before I lay on the couch I empty my pockets of keys, phone, knife, ect. so if I fall asleep I won't wake up with something stabbing me in the thigh. I must have been really tuckered out or something because I fell asleep within 20 min of the start of the movie. The nap was going nicely since I was laying in a sunspot, then it happened.

Manhands threw my glass of ice water on me. Fantastic.

Since I had just been woken up in a somewhat rude manner, I was in a state that was less than cognizant, at best. All I knew was that I was cold, wet, and being yelled at. Koko was pissed, really pissed. I really had no idea what was going on since I couldn't decipher the language that she has suddenly adopted, but I could tell she was mad due to the similarity of her words to the sound of a rottweiler barking. After a good five or six minutes of her snapping at me I finally pieced together what had happened.

As I was napping on the couch with the contents of my pockets on the coffee table she sat down on the other couch started to play with my things. I don't know what else she did but eventually she started looking through the contacts list in my phone. When she got to her name she noticed that the number there wasn't hers. After she noticed that she went back out to the contacts list and saw the entry right next to what she thought was her name was "Manhands", when she clicked on that to see who that could possibly be she saw that it was indeed her number listed there. As you can imagine, she wasn't happy.

I did kind of feel bad but I wasn't able to apologize because her mouth was running at an insane pace and I couldn't get a word in so I just stood there silently while she ranted and raved. She was swinging her arms about as if they were giant wrecking balls on the end of chains, she was throwing and knocking things over, it completely reminded me of the old Nintendo game Rampage where the monsters (one of which was a giant gorilla) tore down cities. The whole scene really was quite lovely.

While I should have stood completely still and not made a noise, I couldn't help but bust out laughing when I imagined her saying "HULK SMASH!!!" when she flipped over the ottoman. Laughing really wasn't a good idea because she got even angrier, grabbed her keys and left the house.

I think she may be suffering from 'roid rage or something, which may not be too far off because steroids would definitely explain her crushing grip. I kind of feel bad but I kind of don't because she was the one that went snooping in my phone. I'll probably apologize for laughing when she was screaming at me but I'm not apologizing for calling her Manhands in my phone (which by the way I'm keeping her as in there because I don't like having two people with the same name since I'm prone to calling the wrong people) because she shouldn't have been looking in there. Someone needs to give Koko a banana so she'll simmer down (she needs to get laid).

Strangers are funny

2005-03-09T14:56:00.000-08:00

I went to the gym this morning for the first time in like 4 days. I know, I'm getting lazy. Well I was riding the bike all by my lonesome when a guy climbed up on the bike next to me. I was minding my own buisness pumping away while watching Jessica Simpson's show on mute ( I don't know why the gym insists on having MTV on some of the tv's) and everything was going well, I was in my little zone and having a good workout.

After about 10 minutes or so the guy next to me looked up at the screen to see Jessica bent over doing something. He then turned to me and said "I wouldn't mind sliding nine inches into that...................too bad I'm only packing five and a half."

I didn't know it was possible to make spit come out of your nose, I do now. I immeadiately collapsed and fell off the bike laughing. It might have been one of the single funniest things I've ever heard someone say. I wasn't even able to finish my workout because I was laughing too hard. The world needs more people like him.

I'm smitten

2005-02-28T16:26:00.000-08:00

You may be asking yourself, "Matt is in love?". Well the answer is yes, I know, I didn't expect it either.

Seriously, this is the single strangest thing ever, I just don't understand it. I've been trying to figure it out for some time now but I don't have a clue as to how or why this happened. All I know is that I'm genuinely happy right now.

Why is it that being in love makes you feel so gay? I'm so sappy with her that I'd make fun of myself if I was in someone else's shoes and heard me talking to her. It's not just the stuff I say to her either, usually I have pretty deep voice, but when I talk to her I get the "girlfriend phonecall voice", that's how bad it is. Who would have thought really loving a girl would turn me into a homo? This shit doesn't make a bit of sense.

I know a lot of you are going to have questions for me but I don't really feel like answering them. All you need to know is :

1. This is incredibly complicated and I don't really want to explain what's going on to anyone that doesn't basically already know.

2. This girl is not Cindy McPoopherpants, she's so much better than that Cindy girl in everyway that I couldn't even begin to describe her to you people. Just know she's gorgeous and makes me laugh constantly.

3. None of you know who she is (well, all but a very select few)

I know this wasn't funny or anything and there really is no point to this post besides the fact that I felt I had to make my current state known.

Also, big ups to Brooklyn. I don't know what that means but a black guy said that to me today to which I responded "Word up G". He gave me a dirty look, at least he didn't cap my honky ass wit a rusty nine. Fo Shizzle.

God I'm white.

Like Sands through the Hour Glass, so these are the Days of our Old Creepy Lives...

2005-02-25T17:52:00.000-08:00

There is some shit that is going on in my little community that is just not right.

I live in a townhome which is really nice, it's well kept, looks good, and its quiet. The reason that it's quiet is because all the other surrounding townhomes are occupied by old people. My roommates and I are literally the only people in the community that are under the age of 60. I've lived here for a year and a half and I've liked it up until now because it's always seemed so perfect, little did I know that there's been some weird shit going on behind closed doors and that things aren't as normal as I once thought.

Everyday when I come home I get yelled at from the townhome across the street from ours by an old guy to "slow the hell down" even though I'm doing the posted 25mph. Now I really haven't thought much about it lately, but I've recently noticed that the old guy that has been yelling at me lately isn't the same old guy that used to yell at me. It really didn't seem like a big deal, I figured the last old guy was her husband and he died (you know, because old people do that and all) and the new dude is just her new suitor.

Well just a couple hours ago I walked out to the community mailbox to get the mail when I saw something so repulsive and unsexy that my penis actually retreated to inside my body. There was the old lady that lives in that house outside in a fullout, no holdsbarred makeout session. I gagged more than I do while watching Fear Factor. If I have a choice of eating raw rocky mountain oysters or watching two doddering, decrepit folks with their tongues down each other's throats while groping eachother's bodies, I'll pick the balls every time.

The thing is, when the two's faces parted, I noticed it was not the new guy she was making out with but instead it was the old, old guy that I thought was dead. No fucking way, this is too weird.

That's when it hit me, this old lady is a bit of a tramp. It's like I'm in the middle of an episode of Geriatric Temptation Island, it's like regular Temptation Island but with more liverspots and colostomy bags. I don't even know what to say about it besides that I'm thoroughly disgusted that these old folks are just hooking up left and right with eachother. Just....gross.

What happens when you put twelve old people in a private community with nothing but eachother and a five gallon bucket of Viagra?

Things get wrinkly.

Geriatric Temptation Island, this spring on FOX.

New blog bitches

2005-02-23T16:48:00.000-08:00

Here it is, the new one. While my other page is mainly for my stories and other shit that I've done, this one is more of a general thing where I can't talk about whatever I please, be it funny or not (don't worry, I'll try to keep it on the funny side).

Since I only update my other blog when something funny enough happens I hear a lot from people telling me to post something, so I'm caving and making this one. I figure I have enough mildly entertaining shit happen to me most days that I will be able to post here regularly. It won't be as funny as my other blog, but hopefully it'll be enough to give you a regular Matt fix.